Willkommene Freunde, lässt mich Ihnen erzählen, wie ich bei der Arbeit heute angegriffen wurde. So While at work today, I began to long for the great outdoors. I believe this is my major problem at work. The direct infiltration of florescent lighting and the lack of natural sunlight, I believe, causes me to become mentally scrambled. So between the vicodin, the din of the Pelonis and Sgt. Baker screaming at me, I came to the conclusion that it would be in my best interest to wander out of the building. Although still a wee bit cool it was sunny and humid out as I walked. I walked through the parking lot, stopped to watch bees and gnats of some kind. I admired the tulips the school places in some of the most odd places throughout the campus. Then I thought to myself, damn I wish we could move our office outside. I would be willing to withstand the sweltering heat of midsummer the nasty humidity and the other less desirables that warm weather brings in order to feel more comfortable in my working environment. Then I thought that maybe I could make the office a little more enjoyable by bringing some of the outside in. I retrieved a garbage bag, a few pine cones, a mossy rock and then began cutting hardwood branches off of trees so that I may place them into a vace in the office. Out to the pond of wonder I wandered. The first pond is very shallow and it is rare to see anything more than a deluge of tadpoles and shads, I paid no attention. Then it happened. Like a bolt of lightning this creature emerged and adavanced upon me like I was to be its meal of the day. Hmmm.. The down side to vicodin is that it tends to slow down reaction time in humans. The monster, head hung low, breast puffed in full, advancing on me with one goal in mind. To kill me. As I stood there, assessing the situation I was thrown into by the gods as a test of my worthiness as top dog on the food chain, I noticed something, the location that this creature began its assault on me. It was a brown mound within inches of the water. Within this brown mound lay oblong white objects. If I were to guess, I would say there were roughly 6 items contained in this area. Hmm..Still thinking about this situation, still the monster advancing on me. I now noticed this low garbled noise, kinda like a growl and a hiss combined. I now think I understand what is going on here. I have accidentally stumbled upon this creatures temporary home, where it has taken the time and trouble to build its shanty, deposit its future children and does not want all of its hard work and time to be wasted in vain. I was the creature that was presently threatening this beings wellbeing. AHA! I must move. Thank you cranium for working once in awhile. Ok, now all I have to do is figure out where to move. If I move forward, I think it may be beneficial for the attacker to complete its present goal. If I move to the right, I will become very wet, my movement will slow even more and the attacker will have a severe advantage over me. If I turn around, it will waste more time and now that the attacker is less than 8 feet from me, I am sure it will make contact with me. TO THE LEFT, this makes the most sense, least amount of energy spent and the easiest route away from this horrifically large creature that will kill me and feed me to its young once they hatch. So I move, then as I am starting to gain a little momentum I begin to turn my head in the direction my body is going. I turned my head just in enough time to see what cunning entity was in league with my attacker and what was to stop me dead in my tracks. A Fucking Tree. Who the hell put a tree here? It would appear that the tree didn’t want the entertainment to stop, so he stopped me. My thought: Fuck I am about to be bit. As I stood there, completely tensed completely awaiting my punishment for being ignorant. Nothing happened. I slowly turned my head to look down upon my assailant only to find my assailant not any further than 3 feet looking back up at me. Instead of it adavncing it had stopped, almost like it was processing what had just taken place and how it was that I could have been such a moron as to not be able to escape its ferocious grasp. I do believe it was thinking that I, the top of the food chain, was the stupidest of all the beings that promenade around midgarth. I have to say, I think it was right. I not only decided to wussy out and not face this opponent but then I was crass enough to be struck by a tree. It took about 3 seconds for me to realize I was not being bitten and it took about 2.5 seconds for the pursuer to stop thinking about how stupid I was. So, the chase resumed. I was not as careless the second time as I was the first. I dodged the tree and its companions and high-tailed it at least 40 feet before turning to see my vertically challenged hunter had proved its point and was returning to once again to protect its investment in immortality. Maybe it would be wise not to move the office outside because I would probably end up hurt or someone else’s dinner.

Um yeah. So I was getting ready to crash this evening when my daughter comes into the bathroom balling, holding her stomach and telling em she hurts. Hmm. Ok. Wanna sleep in my bed? No, it hurts. So there is this song and dance about what hurts and what we are to do about it. She pisses, I try to bribe her with milk and cookies. Nope, stomach hurts. Damn. Fuck that I am going to bed. She is in bed, crying constantly, wife gets in bed. Mumkin then states ” I want to go to the doctors.” Well we have already listened to this for almost an hour, so what the hell. I bagged up the mumkin and off we went. Mumkin decides that about 5 minutes before we get to the hospital she can stop crying to discuss the relative distance to the moon from the planet earth…..I was had I knew it. We got to the hospital, was admitted, then into the death room. I almost objected but thought it to be intriguing. So we sat and talked about the wall paper border and the fact that O2 is green, air is yellow and the ventilator is white. The doc came in, looked her over, asked the routine questions then said “I think we should have a urine sample because I believe she may have a bladder infection.” Now, I may be a little unstable from most peoples point of view, but I am not a fucking retard. I gave you absolutely no information that this child is suffering from a bladder infection. There was no more crying or complaining whilst she pissed than 4 minutes prior or 10 minutes after. She has no fever, no pain in the sides or back. Um no she doesnt, I believe with the information I have presented that she is constipated. So we begin this verbal debate as to whether or not cath my kid. I had to have this done to her when she was one. I swore then I would never make that decision for her again. After about a 6 minute debate the doctor was not backing down, she truly believed this child needed to have a catheter put in her. I hung my head, waited, I waited for someone to save me. I wanted my phone to ring, I wanted a friend or even my wife to walk in and say “no, matthew is right.” or even “no matthew is wrong” anything. As I sat there, head hung, there was silence, almost complete silence, then I heard it. It was like alfridio talnar roo. Well, kinda like that but it made sense, I smiled. I looked up at the steadfast female doctor with the same smile and said “ok.” She, looking a little bewildered asked me to confirm what I said. I said “do you think she needs a catheter?” She replied “yes.” I asked if she thought it had potential to be life threatening? She replied “yes.” I said “You are a doctor to help save peoples lives?” “yes.” I said ok. She smiled, then I said “as long as you get one too, right beside her, while she is getting hers.” This statement didn’t sit too awfully well with the doctor. Another verbal debate ensued. This one was a little less politically correct in its nature and it did appear that the doctor could present no viable reasoning as to why she didn’t need one and my daughter did. So, we compromised on a x-ray. . . . 30 minutes later I was told my daughter was severely constipated, I was given a glycerin sepository and sent on our merry way. On the way home we discussed clouds and how they followed us all the way home. What a grand adventure we had. If I knew I was going to have his much fun I would not have stayed out till 10:30 before arriving home. We could have started this much earlier and then I wouldn’t be sitting here typing at 3:15 in the morning.

I have been in a mood not for writing as late of. I think some of it was due to the fact I was partaking in a large amount of pain-killers as prescribed by my primary care physician to alleviate some of the extreme pain due to a surgery I just had done. I have been less than normal during that time and I didn’t want to scare off the one part-time reader of this blog. It would sadden me to know that the sole reader I have would not come back because of some weird, outlandish statement I made while I was intoxicated at some point in time. That is the last thing I want to do.

On a brighter note, I have come to love and embrace the monkeys I work with. they actually are pretty intelligent as far as monkeys go. One was able to retrieve the correct tool this evening when I asked him to. The other though, I am afraid we are going to have to throw that monkey in the gas canister and replace it with another test subject. Shame, monkeys can be pretty expensive, and to put that much time and effort just to gas it. Oh well. There is this straggler monkey that wanders in and out of the office at times. This monkey is great for comic relief it badgers the other monkeys and stomps around like it is a silver back gorilla. Then it vanishes back into the mist from which it came. Now there is silence, almost complete and utter silence. If one could stifle the din of the computer systems in the room it would be placid. I guess that would be asking for miracles. I stole from my place of employment today. Although I am concerned I am going to get caught. See, my supervisor, he embraces his OCD and well, I stole a pencil. I have it in my pocket just incase I get caught and can try to put it back without incident but that is a risk I will have to take. My biggest fear is that my super has been counting the pencils before he leaves at night and then recounts in the morning. If he notices one gone, and I was in charge, I will be held liable for the missing pencil. The other monkey is in need of some form of attention. It is trying to converse with me, this is the unpredictable monkey. I am always on guard because you never know when it may just snap and try to eat me. Opps lost interest and is now back at its designated location. Good monkey, get in the corner where you belong. FUCKING MONKEYS!

(07:02:01 PM) kimmy: hi hunny
(07:02:16 PM) mcoffey73: hey how are you?
(07:02:36 PM) kimmy: im good how are you\?
(07:02:56 PM) mcoffey73: ehh, I am ok. Kinda sketetchy but other than that, I am ok
(07:03:06 PM) kimmy: thats cool
(07:03:10 PM) mcoffey73: yeah
(07:03:21 PM) kimmy: hold on a sec, the cookise need to come out
(07:03:26 PM) mcoffey73: k
(07:06:47 PM) kimmy: ok im back
(07:06:49 PM) mcoffey73: k
(07:06:58 PM) kimmy: so what are you doing?
(07:07:09 PM) mcoffey73: Thinking about killing people
(07:07:20 PM) kimmy: who?
(07:07:37 PM) mcoffey73: Anybody I guess, not too picky
(07:07:45 PM) kimmy: o i c
(07:08:15 PM) kimmy: how is the stich work and pain/
(07:08:16 PM) mcoffey73: It is the cool thing to do in college these days
(07:08:26 PM) kimmy: o really/
(07:08:38 PM) kimmy: just joining the band wagon?
(07:08:58 PM) mcoffey73: It is kinda stichy and a bit on the painful side. I havent taken anything other than the assload of ativan today. So no pain killers.
(07:09:08 PM) mcoffey73: Yeah I wanna be on the news
(07:09:40 PM) kimmy: no pain killers is a good thing
(07:09:51 PM) mcoffey73: Maybe for people who experience no pain
(07:10:16 PM) mcoffey73: I think I am going to have to cut off my right ball as well.
(07:10:20 PM) mcoffey73: makes me sad
(07:11:04 PM) kimmy: hey what is the little smiley things going across the top? and i don’t think you are going to have to have it cut off
(07:12:05 PM) mcoffey73: WTF smiley things? F if I know. And yeah I am, that fucker is hanging almost a inch lower than the other one. It is driving me insane. I keep trying to push it back into place.
(07:12:34 PM) mcoffey73: The smileys are a tracking agent of some kind
(07:13:12 PM) kimmy: thats what your super support panties r 4
(07:13:24 PM) kimmy: a tracking agent for what/
(07:13:35 PM) mcoffey73: Those fucking things are uncomfortable and they do not support shit
(07:13:40 PM) mcoffey73: for the fbi
(07:13:46 PM) kimmy: and what was the show we used to watch with jessica albe in called?
(07:13:56 PM) mcoffey73: who?
(07:14:14 PM) kimmy: alba
(07:14:19 PM) mcoffey73: …..
(07:14:30 PM) kimmy: the invisible woman on fantastic 4
(07:14:51 PM) mcoffey73: Did we watch that?
(07:15:07 PM) kimmy: religiously
(07:15:19 PM) kimmy: cookie time hold please
(07:15:36 PM) mcoffey73: I can not say I remember watching the fantastic four religiously
(07:15:44 PM) Logging started. Future messages in this conversation will be logged.
(07:15:51 PM) Logging stopped. Future messages in this conversation will not be logged.
(07:16:39 PM) kimmy: no no no!!!!!
(07:16:42 PM) kimmy: omg
(07:17:20 PM) kimmy: we used to watch a tv show that had the girl that played the invisible woman in it.
(07:17:34 PM) mcoffey73: she was invisible?
(07:17:52 PM) mcoffey73: WTF woman…..put the crack pipe down
(07:18:24 PM) kimmy: she was a new actress then, she played a hyped up super hero and she had flash backs of when she was being trained.
(07:18:31 PM) kimmy: u r a dick
(07:18:45 PM) mcoffey73: dark angel??
(07:18:56 PM) mcoffey73: Why am I a dick? Cock smoker!
(07:19:00 PM) kimmy: YES!!!!! thats it tank you
(07:19:11 PM) kimmy: because you are
(07:19:16 PM) mcoffey73: You cannot even spell thank and you are calling me a dick
(07:19:41 PM) mcoffey73: Dood, you are way weirder than I will ever be
(07:19:48 PM) kimmy: i have a giant booger on my finger
(07:19:59 PM) mcoffey73: That’s just fucking wrong.
(07:20:03 PM) kimmy: point proven
(07:20:06 PM) mcoffey73: and kinda hot
(07:20:20 PM) kimmy: jelous?
(07:20:23 PM) mcoffey73: nah
(07:20:35 PM) mcoffey73: I will make you smell my finger when I get home
(07:20:56 PM) kimmy: i refuse to ever smell your finger again
(07:21:13 PM) mcoffey73: LOL you were the willing participant
(07:21:21 PM) kimmy: not really
(07:21:26 PM) mcoffey73: yes yes you were
(07:21:33 PM) kimmy: you stuck it under my nose you shitass
(07:21:45 PM) mcoffey73: I said smell my finger and you did
(07:22:29 PM) kimmy: what else can i do if it is under my nose and that IS how i breathe ya know
(07:23:01 PM) mcoffey73: You couldnt breath through your mouth, or turned your head? You wanted to smell my finger ADMIT IT!!!
(07:23:30 PM) kimmy: we have 2 1/2 dozen chocolate chip cookies
(07:23:36 PM) mcoffey73: Thats grand
(07:23:45 PM) mcoffey73: Could you find a hammer?
(07:23:45 PM) kimmy: and we are making macaroons in a little bit
(07:23:54 PM) mcoffey73: even greater
(07:23:57 PM) kimmy: y
(07:24:09 PM) mcoffey73: cause I want to fight with hammers when I get home.
(07:24:14 PM) mcoffey73: I think I can do it
(07:24:17 PM) kimmy: ok
(07:24:23 PM) mcoffey73: I am serious
(07:24:34 PM) kimmy: are we playong ball breaker?
(07:24:55 PM) mcoffey73: your a fucking laugh arent ya?
(07:24:59 PM) kimmy: yiu think you can do what
(07:25:08 PM) mcoffey73: beat you with a hammer
(07:25:16 PM) kimmy: y
(07:25:37 PM) mcoffey73: the aliens told me earlier that I should do it becuase I am healthy enough to do so now.
(07:25:58 PM) kimmy: y cant u beat someone there, dont u have a hammer there/
(07:26:17 PM) mcoffey73: yes, but I think I would get more satisfaction from beating you.
(07:26:21 PM) kimmy: bethany is supposed to be coming over
(07:26:26 PM) mcoffey73: I will beat her too
(07:26:55 PM) mcoffey73: Everyone but my babies will get beaten
(07:27:07 PM) kimmy: what satisfaction r u gonna get from beating me? u would have no 1 2 talk 2
(07:27:22 PM) mcoffey73: I would still talk to the aliens. and the babies
(07:27:29 PM) kimmy: look how laZY I AM
(07:28:00 PM) mcoffey73: because you use 1 and 2’s in your sentences?
(07:28:20 PM) kimmy: yah
(07:28:24 PM) mcoffey73: hunny,
(07:28:31 PM) mcoffey73: how many chromosomes do you have?
(07:28:42 PM) kimmy: ????
(07:28:55 PM) mcoffey73: Do you know?
(07:29:12 PM) kimmy: 23
(07:29:23 PM) mcoffey73: I think you do
(07:29:34 PM) kimmy: do what
(07:29:40 PM) mcoffey73: have 23 chromosomes
(07:29:53 PM) kimmy: y
(07:30:00 PM) mcoffey73: cause you have to
(07:30:14 PM) kimmy: have to what
(07:30:33 PM) mcoffey73: You are very special hunny.
(07:30:40 PM) kimmy: LOL
(07:30:50 PM) kimmy: y tank u
(07:30:54 PM) mcoffey73: I am going to put you on a bus every morning
(07:31:20 PM) kimmy: i no wanna put on bus
(07:31:57 PM) mcoffey73: You will go, you have no choice in the matter. The court system says you have to go. AND you must be medicated AND I must beat you with a hammer.
(07:32:11 PM) kimmy: LOL
(07:32:13 PM) mcoffey73: Thats the law
(07:32:22 PM) kimmy: i have to go make macaroons
(07:32:33 PM) mcoffey73: do they not grow on treeS?
(07:32:43 PM) kimmy: i’ll get back on here in a little bit
(07:32:49 PM) kimmy: and no they dont
(07:32:59 PM) kimmy: that is macaroni
(07:33:10 PM) mcoffey73: No dont bother, I am going to write to my girlfriend. She likes me (most of the time anyways)
(07:33:13 PM) kimmy: of truffles
(07:33:26 PM) kimmy: fine
(07:33:29 PM) kimmy: whatever
(07:33:34 PM) kimmy: piss off
(07:33:40 PM) mcoffey73: find a hammer

There was a time when I was the center of someone’s world. I took advantage of that, I assumed it was a given that would always be there for me. I recognized recently that I wasn’t even in the same solar system anymore. I can speculate some of the things that I did wrong to maje it this way but at the same time I also question what I had no control over. The other person. I get pummeled with me being the culprit here, when in actuality what is no longer there is due to a 50/50 split. I have spent years blaming myself for everything when I recognized tonight that I didn’t leave this evening to get someone else’s attention. I was at home, bathing children, cleaning the house, fixing airbrushes and so on an dso forth. When I did want to leave today, I didnt bother asking if anyone else wanted it go, I simply stated we are all going here and we are going now. We went, happy, fun filled, well I thoght anyways. Guess everyone would have neen better off if I had just taken the children. I can totally complain though, I can say we had 3 really great days, there was no fighting, no battling, there was smiling, there was peace and tranquility. Then again there was vicodin and demeral. LOL,. Todd told me that the cause of all of my aliments was due to stress. All of them. I chuckled at this when he said it because he was being serious. Now that I had 3 almost stress free days and now that things have come back to baseline, I am sad because I know he is right. There were drastic changes in me within those 3 days. One is noticeably back to normal now that i t is 1:30 in the morning and I am writting in this fucking blog. 44444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444 then there were the 4’s.

Everyone have a great day!

So I just watched the electric worry video from clutch. I think I would rather hang out with them instead of going to be cut open. Although I think I would need dental work done afterwards from the insane amount of teeth grinding that would be going on. Poor gramma worried about her grandson bein cut open. Dont worry gramma I have a much higher chance of dying in a car accident than on the butchers block. And there is no need to fret because I will take my alien protector and my traveling companion rock with me in the morn. If there is the slightest chance that the alien drops the ball and something does go wrong, don’t fret, the rock will guide me back. Yes it will tell me to go the wrong way, four times, but it will get me to where I need to be. So it will be all good. I also think that “wanna see my scar?” would be a great pickup line. The viking mobile is pissy cause it’s wet outside. On top of that, it was covered in bird shit from the onslaught bestowed upon it earlier when the birds tried to shit through the car to drop their debris on my zen alien. FUCK YOU BIRDIES!! I ate a piece of french toast and a french fry today. I think french food is the way to healthy living without stomach upset. I switched my socks cause of the hellishly large holes in the heels to socks with holes in the toes. So much more enjoyable, that irritating feeling one gets in the large toe when the hole is large enough to begin to push over the toe but yet not large enough to move down to where it may not be bothersome. FUCK YOU HOLEY SOCK! There were two deers in the backyard today when I left. I am going to open a safari at my house, chickens, turkeys, deer, rabbits, giraffes, and rabid penguins. No goats, they chew things. And I may try to molest them. FUCK GOATS!! Not really, it is more like SWEET GOATS, come here goat, you have a purdy mouth…. I like carpet, not as much as wood floors but I think sitting for this long on wood floors would make my ass more wide and sore than what it already is. Note to my blog keeper, this thing is telling me it saved a draft of this at 7:55 and it is now 10:55. Either I have been writing for a long time, I was abducted and just returned, or the thingy is fucked up. Criminal Justice, a breif introduction is not regularly read in my house. Why is it here? freedictionary.com says: unthaw - become or cause to become soft or liquid; “The sun melted the ice”; “the ice thawed”; “the ice cream melted”; “The heat melted the wax”; “The giant iceberg dissolved over the years during the global warming phase”; “dethaw the meat” Insane I must say. I worry at times because I find the diva from the fifth element one of the most erotic movie characters I have even seen. Blue chicks with tubulars extending from them and can sing opera is way hot. My sock hole finally descended after messing with it for a long period of time. I would be pleased with silence, candles flickering, no lighting and no din from these retched machines right now. Silence ahh. The time when the mind truly can be heard unobstructed, unmuffled, unrelenting outspoken. The only time when you can reason with it, debate with it and admire its’ beauty. I need chocolate. I have not eaten anywhere near enough of it in recent weeks. I attended a gathering of people many years ago and acquired chocolate covered fungus. Ahh, that was pleasurable.

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I was to bear witness to the omnipotent power of the viking mobile today. Since there wasn’t a large amount of humidity in the air and I wasn’t driving through 2-4″ of water, the car was feeling a bit frisky and wanted to run. So I let it go. It was almost like cutting your puppy loose in the park after being cooped up for the week. It was responsive, quick and more aggressive than it has been in a minute. We were happily wandering back roads when out of nowhere this marmota monax lunged from the ditch and came after the viking mobile. With its ferousious gallop and agile ability I was completely taken aback. I attempted to maneuver away from this hideous and obviously rabid animal but the viking mobile was in no mood to be led out of harms way. The damn thing pulled back to meet its advisory head on. It was the jousting match of the century, mammal versus machine. As I tightened for the  impending impact I waited with baited breath. Then the viking mobile released a vociferous battle cry then, THUMP. It was over. The car had released this agony stricken vulgar creature from this plane of existence and sent it back to where it belongs, the bowels of hell. It didn’t even skip a beat, continuing along its path, purring as if nothing had happened, as if it had not just potentially met its match. I was proud of the viking mobile for the victory it had just achieved. With even a little more umpf than what it had possessed moments earlier we continued on our trek. We continued to promenade back and forth through back roads basking in the little amount of sunshine that would intermittently peak out from the clouds.  Unaware we were that there is a very elaborate, underground groundhog communication system. It would appear that one of those nasty little creatures witnessed the aforementioned battle and sent word to all the other lice ridden obese vegetarians. We had traveled no further than 4 kilometers when I once again we were to be assaulted. This time not only the viking mobile was prepared but I was confident that it had total control of the situation. Just as the previous encounter had ended in a torn, bloody, oil soaked mangled mess this homeotherm was to suffer the same fate as its brethren. It didn’t make it more than 5 steps onto the tar and chip when it was snatched up by the front passenger side tire, tossed leisurely to the back tire, then discarded onto the road, rolling and flopping, dead. I believe the viking mobile has put forth the statement that it does not care to share its roadways with these unworthy animals. It is possible that I was present at the beginning of a very bloody war between the battle ready viking mobile and the disease infested groundhog clans. I am here for my faithful traveling companion, ready to remove teeth and bone that have been en ladened into the tires of my friend. To tend other wounds and to attempt to keep it in good operational condition so it will not be caught off guard by the next conniving attack that these little imbosils have planned. All hail the viking mobile.